54 Funny Mark Twain Quotes That’ll Surely Make You Chuckle

Funny Mark Twain quote

In this post, we have collected some of the funniest Mark Twain quotes that are sure to make you laugh.

Mark Twain was an American author in the 19th century who was famous for his humor and his works often had an element of humor present along with sharp satire.

Here we gathered the funniest and wittiest Mark Twain quotes from his books and works that are worth a read!

Funny Mark Twain Quotes

Funny Mark Twain Quote

1. “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.”

2. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

3. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

4. “I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

5. “If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.”

6. “Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”

7. “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”

8. “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”

9. “Jim said that bees won’t sting idiots, but I didn’t believe that, because I tried them lots of times myself and they wouldn’t sting me.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

10. “Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.”

11. “I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!”

12. “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

13. “When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”

14. “If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

15. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

16. “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”

17. “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”

18. “Put all your eggs in one basket – and watch that basket!”

19. “I am as prompt as a clock, if I only know the day a thing is wanted – otherwise I am a natural procrastinaturalist.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

20. “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”

21. “In my experience, previously counted chickens never do hatch.”

22. “I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.”

23. “I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”

24. “To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was a tautology.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

25. “Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.”

26. “The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.”

27. “Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.”

28. “The funniest things are forbidden.”

29. “Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

30. “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

31. “The lack of money is the root of all evil.”

32. “The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.”

33. “I can last two months on a good compliment.”

34. “In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

35. “There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”

36. “It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.”

37. “All right, then, I’ll go to hell.”

38. “The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.”

39. “The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

40. “It’s easy to make friends, but hard to get rid of them.”

41. “I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.”

42. “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

43. “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

44. “Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

45. ‘“Classic′ – a book which people praise and don’t read.”

46. “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.”

47. “No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.”

48. “Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.’”

49. “All generalizations are false, including this one.”

Funny Mark Twain Quote

50. “God created war so that Americans would learn geography.”

51. “Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.”

52. “Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”

53. “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

54. “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

This sums the best and funniest Mark Twain quotes from his works.

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